She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
