someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Soap is not a condiment
grandma shit on top of the toilet
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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