gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
