I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
