Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
