I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
But theres a keg here and me gusta
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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