So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
