Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
