Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
