Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
