I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
