i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
