he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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