I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
