I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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