I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
