Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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