I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
