Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
