we're chasing vodka with high fives
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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