I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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