I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
