Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
