If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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