My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
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