when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize