nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
