So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
