Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
