Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
