Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
