Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
