I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
