apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
