I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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