Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Randomize
