I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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