The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
