OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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