This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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