Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
All the doctor said was why
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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