You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
That accounts for only three of the penises
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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