I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
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