my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize