why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
