bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
