just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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