After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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