im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
