A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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