Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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