Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
