remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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