I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
