Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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