stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
and she was petting her beer can
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
