Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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