There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Randomize
