I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
