Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
