I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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