does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I have already put on my inside pants.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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