Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
