HIV tests are more positive than that guy
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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