mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You ate ashes out of my bong
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
