He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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