I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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