I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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