So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
