Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
No I am not eating basil off your cock
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize